What Are You Thankful For?

I know I usually publish posts on Wednesdays, but the last few weeks have been busy, and last night, I just wanted to chill. In honor of Thanksgiving, I wanted to post about a wonderful day date I had with my spouse a few weeks ago. He is the person I am the most grateful for, not only today but every day.

Dating my Spouse

About six weeks ago, my husband and I took a day trip to Frank Lloyd Wright's iconic Falling Waters and the surrounding area of Ohiopyle. Visiting Falling Waters has been on our "date list" for a while. And to my surprise, my husband took it upon himself to plan the day and purchase the tickets. Not only was the house/tour worth the sixty-minute drive, but it was a perfect Autumn day. Cool and crisp but also sunny. The drive was beautiful! Watching the leaves changing colors is one of my favorite times of the year and one of the best parts about living in Pittsburgh.

After the tour and a walk around the property, we headed to a local pizza shop for lunch. There was a festival happening, so we walked around the downtown area and took in the sights. After lunch, Doug wanted to take me to see the waterfalls. We stopped at Cumberland Falls and climbed around on the rocks like we were little kids. While I was gung ho to make my way down the hill to sit by the river, I was also praying I wouldn't slip or miss a rock and end up soaking wet or injured. We made it out to the river with no issues, took in the beautiful scenery for a few minutes, and then headed back up the hill to our next stop.

Our next and last stop was the natural water slides at Meadow Run. It was way too cold to take a run down the slides, but it was fun listening to my husband tell me some stories of him and his buddies coming here when they were in college. I played around with the slow-motion and time-lapse features of my iPhone camera. Then it was back in the car to head home.

We decided to take the back roads home so we could enjoy more of the rolling hills and changing leaves. It was a fantastic day with my husband. And it got me thinking about the importance of taking time to plan special dates with your partner. It's easy to be all blissed out and lovely the first few years you are together. But when you've been together six years, it's easy to fall into routines and fail to plan special moments and experiences together.

Doug and I made a list a while back of all the things in Pittsburgh we would like to see or experience. While we can cross this one off the list, there are still so many dates to be planned. Now we have to take the initiative and actually plan to do them. I like the idea of a weekly or even monthly date night, but we never seem to make it happen. I'm so grateful Doug made an effort and planned a wonderful day for us. It looks like I'm up next!

What are some ways you and your partner "date" each other?

Trying to Get Pregnant Sucks

Hi friends! I wanted to give today’s post a little introduction/explanation. I wrote this post a few weeks ago after another month of trying to conceive with no success. My body was confusing the hell out of me and I was convinced I was pregnant. The day my period was supposed to arrive came and went and I got just a tiny bit excited. The next morning I planned to take a pregnancy test, but instead was greeted by Aunt Flo and I was devastated. My emotions were all over the place and out came this post.

And while I don’t always feel this way, I do sometimes have difficult days and this particular day was one of my hardest days in the last few months. Writing out my feelings in this post was extremely freeing and therapeutic. But I wasn’t sure if I should share this on the blog. It’s very personal and makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable knowing people will read these words. But I want this blog to be real. And the purpose of this blog is to push myself out of my comfort zone. What better way to do that then putting my thoughts and feelings on display. Thank you for taking the time to read this wordy introduction and the post below.

I'm going on a little rant today about trying to get pregnant. I've been feeling ALL the feelings about this topic recently, and need to let it out. So, (deep breath) here it goes.

Trying to get pregnant fucking sucks!

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for the last 14 months. And I'm just sooo over it. My time is spent peeing on sticks, tracking my cycle, questioning every bodily function, and calendaring every time we have sex. My mind is, unconsciously, in a constant state of anxiety and stress, which, of course, are horrible conditions for getting pregnant.

And when the pee sticks are finally smiling (a.k.a ovulation time), my husband and I are everything but excited to get busy. Seriously. When it’s ovulation time sex feels like such a chore. Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy being intimate with my husband, but when it’s something you HAVE to do instead of something you WANT to do it’s just another thing to cross of the to-do list. Which is no fun. BUT...this is our only chance for the next 3-4 weeks to make that baby, so let's get it on.

The first few months, I tried to be nonchalant and even seductive about it being THAT time because I didn't want to put too much pressure on my husband to perform. But the months and months and months of trying for a baby wear on you. And I'm tired of pretending to be super turned on when really I'm just ovulating and want to get down to business so we can move along with our day. This all sounds so sexy, I know.

The Two Week Torture

Then for the next two weeks, I scrutinize every symptom and feeling like, "Hmm, is that a metal taste in my mouth?" or "Do my boobs feel tender?" or "Oh, I'm exhausted today. Hmmm…" And as I get closer to the dreaded period, I start to pick apart every abdominal cramp, every crazy dream, and every dropped utensil. Every time I go to the bathroom, I silently pray, "Please don't see blood. Please don't see blood."

When I don't see blood, usually because it's a day or two too soon, I'm relieved and still hopeful. But when I do eventually see the beginning traces of my period, I'm resentful of my body, disappointed, depressed, and angry. I can’t wrap my brain around it. How could we not be pregnant? We had perfectly timed intercourse, I kept my hips elevated for exactly 15 minutes post sexy time, and I feel like someone inflated my chest with saline while I was sleeping. So, not only am I angry, but I feel betrayed by my body and also foolish for really believing this was it, for the 10th time. I basically shouldn't be around people for the next 24-48 hours. I'm like a child throwing a temper tantrum because they are hungry or tired, and have no clue how to rationalize their feelings.

Babies EVERYWHERE!!

And of course, all I see anywhere I go are babies or pregnant ladies. On my favorite TV show, commercials in between TV shows, ads on the radio, in ALL the stores, the restaurants, driving around my neighborhood… babies are EVERYWHERE except in my uterus. And I don't want to be sad or resentful of these cute babies or the pregnant mommas, but sometimes I am. And that sucks.

So, I allow myself to be miserable for a few days because, according to all the self-help books, you should allow yourself to feel all your feelings. But eventually, I get tired of being miserable. So I give myself my best, "Put your big girl panties on" or "Have faith in your path" or "Be patient, God has perfect timing" speeches until I can pull it together and feel semi-normal just in time to start peeing on sticks all over again. Yeah me!

I know everyone says being pregnant and having children is exhausting, but trying to get pregnant to have those children is also exhausting! Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, Socially. I don't know how many kids’ birthdays or friends’ parties I've turned down because I didn't want to pretend to be interested in a conversation with the guys while all the women are tending to their children. I want to be one of those women! But I’m not yet so, No I don’t want to come to your kid’s 5th birthday party. Maybe next year. This shit definitely takes a toll on your social and emotional well-being.

Emotional Roller Coasters

And can we talk about hormones for a minute? Until I went off the birth control pill, I thought I was a girl who had her shit together emotionally. I had trouble controlling my facial expressions (and still do), but for the most part, I could keep my feelings quietly tucked away on the inside where no one had to see them but me and the very few people I’ve let see me vulnerable.

But now, holy shit, sometimes I think I'm legit insane. I'll be watching a home renovation show, and tears will start streaming down my face. My husband will turn, looking equal parts concerned and scared, and ask if I'm alright. To which I reply, laughing at this point because while also concerned I’m more confused, "I have no clue why I'm crying, but I can't stop."

If I have no idea why I'm crying, how am I supposed to know if what I'm feeling is a legitimate emotion or just my over-active hormones fucking with my sanity? And I am really angry because you brought home the wrong milk or did my estrogen just take a dip? Am I really anxious to drive on the highway, nope that’s the progesterone. I have all these feelings and stress and crazy thoughts just taking up space in my mind day in and day out on a loop every 28-30 days. And all my husband has to do is get it up!

Let me be clear, my husband is wonderful. He is loving, attentive, affectionate, but he has no clue. And he may not admit it, but he doesn't want to know either. He's perfectly happy with as little involvement as necessary. And I get it! I would want to be blissfully unaware, too, if it wasn't happening to me.

So, there you have it, my thoughts on TCC ("trying to conceive"). It's confusing and scary and all kinds of exhausting. It's lonely and heartbreaking and just sad. In a nutshell, it's the fucking worst! ...But also, hopefully, the best lesson on patience I'll ever learn.

If you are in this season of your life like I am, or you struggled to conceive, or maybe you had zero issues, but can understand the struggle, I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

What are your thoughts on trying to get pregnant?

You Run the Vacuum and I’ll Clean the Bathroom: A Must-Have Conversation Before Living Together

**Disclaimer: I am not a relationship or marriage expert. This is just my opinion and what worked for my relationship.

Doug and I made the decision to move in together two years after we started dating and three years before we tied the knot. It was important for us to see how our relationship would evolve by living together. As the big day got closer, we had the typical conversations a couple should have before living together. We discussed our finances and budgeting. And living in a single bathroom home, we hashed out our morning and nighttime routines. But the most important conversation we had in those weeks leading up to our cohabitation was about the division of household responsibilities and our expectations for cleanliness.

Thankfully, we agreed the household responsibilities should be equally divided, and we were on the same page as far as cleanliness was concerned. So one afternoon (or maybe it was evening, that was four years ago at this point) we sat down and listed out all the household duties. We included everything from cleaning the bathrooms and cooking dinners to yard work, routine maintenance, and even making the bed. After our list was completed, we went chore by chore and moved it to either Doug’s section or mine.

Dividing the Chores

Doug has allergies, so a home free of dust was a must for him. Unfortunately, I grew up tortured by my weekly chores of dusting and vacuuming and still dislike them to this day. It seemed only logical for Doug to dust the house and clean the floors. I enjoyed cooking and was comfortable in a grocery store, so I took on the role of house chef. Doug liked yard work and took pride in a well-kept property. And while I enjoy the outdoors, the idea of gardening, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow makes me cringe. So he became yardmaster and bought himself a sweet riding mower/tractor.

And on it went. Auto maintenance and general handyman tasks went to Doug. I took on cleaning the bathrooms and laundry. I gather all the trash and Doug takes it out to the curb. We decided loading/emptying the dishwasher, and after dinner, clean-up would be a joint effort as much as possible. For the most part, the list was relatively simple to divide, but once we got down to the end, we debated and negotiated. Once all chores were spoken for it was a no-brainer come moving day.

I didn’t realize how vital this conversation was until I mentioned it to my best friend and then again a while later to my co-worker. During both discussions, they expressed their amazement on how logical and practical the conversation seemed. And yet, neither of them had this conversation with their partners. In the last few years, I had similar conversations with friends and family and received similar responses.

A Piece of Advice

At the time, we didn’t think it was an eye-opening conversation. We just knew that a well-kept home was essential to both of us, only in different ways and in different areas. And we knew neither of us wanted to be bogged down doing everything ourselves. Now he has his routines, and I have mine, and everything gets done. That’s not to say sometimes we don’t ask each other for help or a chore doesn’t get completed for a week or two. But we don’t give each other a hard time or nag. We know it will get done eventually and it’s the other person’s responsibility so why worry about it.

I think it’s important to mention if there is a chore that will absolutely drive you bonkers if it doesn’t get completed daily, weekly, whatever your preferred cadence, then that chore should be on your list. The point of this conversation is to remove the stress from an area that could be very stressful for couples living together. It’s not to worry about the tasks your partner did or didn’t do from their list. So if dust building up on your bookshelf will put you in a tizzy, just do it yourself!

What You Appreciate, Appreciates

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for Doug knowing I don’t have to vacuum or mop or dust (I really might have PTSD from moving every little knick-knack and picture frame off the bookcases in my childhood home only to dust the shelf and then put each figurine back in its correct location. Ugh, the worst!).

Not only has this one small conversation saved our relationship from the frustration of chore overwhelm, but the amount of respect and thankfulness we have for each other has grown.

So do yourself a favor and have this conversation. And if you can’t agree or neither of you want to do the chores, then my next piece of advice is budget for a cleaning person. It’s not worth the arguments and stress.

Let’s Review

How do you do decide which chores are yours, and which are your partners?

Step 1: Sit down with a bottle of wine.

Step 2: You and your partner each make two lists: one of the chores you don’t mind taking on and another of the tasks you can’t stand.

Step 3: Compare your lists and make two new lists. One list for the chores you will take on and one for the tasks your partner complete. Example: You don’t mind doing laundry, but your partner has never used a washing machine then add laundry to your chore list.

Step 4: Review the unclaimed chores.

Step 5: Now, you negotiate. “I’ll take unloading the dishwasher if you take grocery shopping.” Continue bartering until all chores have an owner.

You did it! You now have clear expectations, a division of responsibilities, and hopefully, one less thing to stress about as you merge all the things.

What other essential conversations should we be having before combining all the things? I’d love to hear your thoughts.