You Run the Vacuum and I’ll Clean the Bathroom: A Must-Have Conversation Before Living Together

**Disclaimer: I am not a relationship or marriage expert. This is just my opinion and what worked for my relationship.

Doug and I made the decision to move in together two years after we started dating and three years before we tied the knot. It was important for us to see how our relationship would evolve by living together. As the big day got closer, we had the typical conversations a couple should have before living together. We discussed our finances and budgeting. And living in a single bathroom home, we hashed out our morning and nighttime routines. But the most important conversation we had in those weeks leading up to our cohabitation was about the division of household responsibilities and our expectations for cleanliness.

Thankfully, we agreed the household responsibilities should be equally divided, and we were on the same page as far as cleanliness was concerned. So one afternoon (or maybe it was evening, that was four years ago at this point) we sat down and listed out all the household duties. We included everything from cleaning the bathrooms and cooking dinners to yard work, routine maintenance, and even making the bed. After our list was completed, we went chore by chore and moved it to either Doug’s section or mine.

Dividing the Chores

Doug has allergies, so a home free of dust was a must for him. Unfortunately, I grew up tortured by my weekly chores of dusting and vacuuming and still dislike them to this day. It seemed only logical for Doug to dust the house and clean the floors. I enjoyed cooking and was comfortable in a grocery store, so I took on the role of house chef. Doug liked yard work and took pride in a well-kept property. And while I enjoy the outdoors, the idea of gardening, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow makes me cringe. So he became yardmaster and bought himself a sweet riding mower/tractor.

And on it went. Auto maintenance and general handyman tasks went to Doug. I took on cleaning the bathrooms and laundry. I gather all the trash and Doug takes it out to the curb. We decided loading/emptying the dishwasher, and after dinner, clean-up would be a joint effort as much as possible. For the most part, the list was relatively simple to divide, but once we got down to the end, we debated and negotiated. Once all chores were spoken for it was a no-brainer come moving day.

I didn’t realize how vital this conversation was until I mentioned it to my best friend and then again a while later to my co-worker. During both discussions, they expressed their amazement on how logical and practical the conversation seemed. And yet, neither of them had this conversation with their partners. In the last few years, I had similar conversations with friends and family and received similar responses.

A Piece of Advice

At the time, we didn’t think it was an eye-opening conversation. We just knew that a well-kept home was essential to both of us, only in different ways and in different areas. And we knew neither of us wanted to be bogged down doing everything ourselves. Now he has his routines, and I have mine, and everything gets done. That’s not to say sometimes we don’t ask each other for help or a chore doesn’t get completed for a week or two. But we don’t give each other a hard time or nag. We know it will get done eventually and it’s the other person’s responsibility so why worry about it.

I think it’s important to mention if there is a chore that will absolutely drive you bonkers if it doesn’t get completed daily, weekly, whatever your preferred cadence, then that chore should be on your list. The point of this conversation is to remove the stress from an area that could be very stressful for couples living together. It’s not to worry about the tasks your partner did or didn’t do from their list. So if dust building up on your bookshelf will put you in a tizzy, just do it yourself!

What You Appreciate, Appreciates

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for Doug knowing I don’t have to vacuum or mop or dust (I really might have PTSD from moving every little knick-knack and picture frame off the bookcases in my childhood home only to dust the shelf and then put each figurine back in its correct location. Ugh, the worst!).

Not only has this one small conversation saved our relationship from the frustration of chore overwhelm, but the amount of respect and thankfulness we have for each other has grown.

So do yourself a favor and have this conversation. And if you can’t agree or neither of you want to do the chores, then my next piece of advice is budget for a cleaning person. It’s not worth the arguments and stress.

Let’s Review

How do you do decide which chores are yours, and which are your partners?

Step 1: Sit down with a bottle of wine.

Step 2: You and your partner each make two lists: one of the chores you don’t mind taking on and another of the tasks you can’t stand.

Step 3: Compare your lists and make two new lists. One list for the chores you will take on and one for the tasks your partner complete. Example: You don’t mind doing laundry, but your partner has never used a washing machine then add laundry to your chore list.

Step 4: Review the unclaimed chores.

Step 5: Now, you negotiate. “I’ll take unloading the dishwasher if you take grocery shopping.” Continue bartering until all chores have an owner.

You did it! You now have clear expectations, a division of responsibilities, and hopefully, one less thing to stress about as you merge all the things.

What other essential conversations should we be having before combining all the things? I’d love to hear your thoughts.